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  Master's Joke of the Month Page

 
 

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink 2x as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

 

A woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb.

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the snooker table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher
.

 

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. 


Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers." 

Emily said, "I know they do. 


That's why I hide them in my bag"! 

 

Su Wong marries Lee Wong

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.


The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents... 


'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' 

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 


          'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,so I think we will name him... 

.............................................

.....................................Sum Ting Wong 


 
A woman walks into a pet shop and notices a beautiful Parrot in a cage. She says to the shopkeeper ''How much for the Parrot''? The Shopkeeper replies ''£20 and it's yours'' the woman is shocked ''I'll take it but why so cheap''? And the shopkeeper admits ''Well it used to live in a Brothel'' the Woman isn't bothered by this and she pays the money and takes the Parrot home.

When it gets to the home the Parrot begins to talk ''Lovely home, lovely home'' and when the Womans daughters arrive home from school the Parrot says ''Lovely girls, Lovely girls'' and then as the husband gets home from work the Parrot says ''Alright Keith?''
 

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.  He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let
him out.. 

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.  
 This continued off and on for several weeks. 

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 –
 he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?' 

 

                                                   Qantas Airlines: Repair Division 

In case you need a laugh 
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. 
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. 
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. 

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 

P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit. 

P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back-order. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what friction locks are for. 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 

P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you're right. 

P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

P: Aircraft handles funny............ 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 

P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 

P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed. 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
S: Took hammer away from midget
.

 

 

I got stopped for speeding yesterday!

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK
MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT

 

 

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NUN'S TALE NUMBER 1

A cabbie picks up a Nun. 

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. 

She asks him why he is staring. 

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' 

She answers, 

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' 

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: 

1, you have to be single and 

2, you must be Catholic.' 

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' 

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. 

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' 

The nun says, 'That's OK. 
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.' 

 

NUN'S TALE NUMBER 2

A nun was sitting at the JFK airport, waiting for her flight to Calgary .
 
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.'
 
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Calgary .'
 
The nun sat back down.  she told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone.  The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read: 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Calgary and you are going to play a fiddle.'
 
The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.'  She sat back down.
 
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them.  Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, I’ve got to try this again.' 
 
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out.  it read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs , you are going to Calgary and you are going to break wind.'  Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, 'I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.'  but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.  She said to herself, 'this is truly remarkable.  I’ve got to try this again.'  She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out.

 

It read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around so much that you have missed your flight to Calgary

 

 

Paddy and Murphy sat at the airport.

Murphy says "I wish I'd brought the television"

"Why are you bored?" asks Paddy.

"No the passports are on top of it"

 
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled

'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'
 

Wheelie Bin

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Hiya, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l I i e' bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

 

Irish Password

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied 'Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

 

Pigeon Impossible.....

This must have costs lots of money to develop.............but it's free..........

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA#t=20

 

Yorkshiremen

A  London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds

The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshiremen are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily...

So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game. 
The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap.  He politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I Will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'

The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.


The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep. 

 

                                                            Husband  Store
 A store  that sells new husbands has opened in New York City ,where a  woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance  is a description of how the store operates:

You  may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the  products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may  choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a  woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

              Floor  1 - These men Have Jobs

She is  intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign  reads:

              Floor  2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's  nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.. The  third floor sign reads:

              Floor  3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good  Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep  going. She  goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

              Floor  4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

              Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

               Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

                                                                    PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

                  The first floor has wives that love sex.

                  The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

                  The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


 
 

                                                              Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

 

"Lecturer," she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

Spit It Out

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU Bxxxxxx!!!!"

 
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

      If she answered the next question correctly, she would win £1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

      It was,
'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?  Is it:

      A) the condor

    
 B) the buzzard

      C) the cuckoo

      D) the vulture

      The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde.

      But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

      The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

      The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

      She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Chris any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.  But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

      'I need an answer,' said Chris.

      Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

      'Is that your final answer?'

      'Yes, that is my final answer.'
      And Chris replied, 'That answer is..... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

      Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars..

      'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant.  'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

      'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

 

 

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?'
demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask

me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:

'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'

'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:

'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?


The assistant replies: 'Because you're in Homebase'

 

'The Obedient Wife'

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,

and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money

and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died,

she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black,

and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the

undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.

I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account,

and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

 

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

 

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style

house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


 
'You talk?' he asks.


 
'Yep,' the Lab replies.


 
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says


'So, what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help

the government, so I told the CIA.In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms

with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out,

and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do

some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.I uncovered some incredible

dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

 

Camping Trip

Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make

the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left

to go back home to his wife.

When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave

sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.

Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said,

"Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

"So here I am!"

 

Wally's Wedding Night

At 78 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have

separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself

if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year old groom, ready for

action. They unite as one.All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom doo r, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it...... Wally is back again, rapping on the door,

and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'


And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,

'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys

less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, 'You mean I was here already?'


 The moral of the story:


Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

 

A Cumbrian Farmer is overseeing his animals in a remote part of theCounty when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances

out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks

the farmer,

'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The Farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

'Reet, why not?'
The yuppie  parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs

to a NASA page on the Internet,opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility

in Hamburg,Germany.Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the

data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,

after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally,he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized

HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says,
       'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'Wow That's right.Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,says the Farmer.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot

of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man,'Ey Up!, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,'Okay, why not?'


'You work for the British Government',says the farmer.'Wow! That's correct,' saysthe yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the farmer..
'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me

how muchsmarter than me you are;and you don't know a thing about cows....... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me my bloody dog back.'

 

New Seat Belt law

This became effective July 1, 2009     .
The Highways Agency Safety Council has done extensive testing

on a newly Designed seat belt.


Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%

when the belt is properly installed.


Correct Installation is illustrated below.......  

This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

I KNOW....YOU SMILED.

YEAH, YOU SMILED AGAIN

Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!
  

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown

on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see i it makes sense.'


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks

in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.


He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

 

An Australian 'Love' Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

 

 

Chinese eye test

If you cannot decipher anything, then try  pulling
the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese.
It works!!!!

 

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,

'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob - Women like that are hard to find.'

 

Chocolate Calculator:

Don't tell me your age;

you probably would tell a falsehood anyway -but the Chocolate Calculator will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH


DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate

    (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculato


5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.



You should have a three digit number 


The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e.., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).



The next two numbers are 

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

 

in the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
 

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
 It's an experimental procedure, very risky , but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'


The doctor quickly responded, '£5,000 for a male brain; £200 for a female brain.'  


The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women .
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'
 
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'