Husband  Store
 A store  that sells new husbands has opened in New York City ,where a  woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance  is a description of how the store operates:

You  may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the  products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may  choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a  woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

              Floor  1 - These men Have Jobs

She is  intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign  reads:

              Floor  2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's  nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.. The  third floor sign reads:

              Floor  3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good  Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep  going. She  goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

              Floor  4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

              Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

               Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

                                                                    PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

                  The first floor has wives that love sex.

                  The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

                  The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

                                                              Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Spit It Out

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU Bxxxxxx!!!!"

      The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

      The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

      She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Chris any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.  But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

      'I need an answer,' said Chris.

      Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

      'Is that your final answer?'

      'Yes, that is my final answer.'
      And Chris replied, 'That answer is..... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

      Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars..

      'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant.  'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

      'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?'
demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask

me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:

'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'

'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:

'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?

The assistant replies: 'Because you're in Homebase'

'The Obedient Wife'

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,

and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money

and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died,

she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black,

and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the

undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.

I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account,

and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style

house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 'You talk?' he asks.

 'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help

the government, so I told the CIA.In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms

with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out,

and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do

some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.I uncovered some incredible

dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Camping Trip

Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make

the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left

to go back home to his wife.

When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave

sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.

Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said,

"Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

"So here I am!"

Wally's Wedding Night

At 78 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have

separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself

if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year old groom, ready for

action. They unite as one.All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom doo r, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it...... Wally is back again, rapping on the door,

and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,

'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys

less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, 'You mean I was here already?'

 The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

A Cumbrian Farmer is overseeing his animals in a remote part of theCounty when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances

out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks

the farmer,

'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The Farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

'Reet, why not?'
The yuppie  parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs

to a NASA page on the Internet,opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility

in Hamburg,Germany.Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the

data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,

after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally,he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized

HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says,
       'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'Wow That's right.Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,says the Farmer.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot

of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man,'Ey Up!, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the British Government',says the farmer.'Wow! That's correct,' saysthe yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the farmer..
'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me

how muchsmarter than me you are;and you don't know a thing about cows....... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me my bloody dog back.'

New Seat Belt law

This became effective July 1, 2009     .
The Highways Agency Safety Council has done extensive testing

on a newly Designed seat belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%

when the belt is properly installed.

Correct Installation is illustrated below.......  

This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

I KNOW....YOU SMILED.

YEAH, YOU SMILED AGAIN

Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!  

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown

on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see i it makes sense.'


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks

in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.


He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

An Australian 'Love' Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,

'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob - Women like that are hard to find.'

Chocolate Calculator:

Don't tell me your age;

you probably would tell a falsehood anyway -but the Chocolate Calculator will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate

    (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number 


The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e.., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).



The next two numbers are 

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

in the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
 

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
 It's an experimental procedure, very risky , but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '£5,000 for a male brain; £200 for a female brain.'  

The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women .
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'
 
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'